


Dichotomy

by nommonkeypie



Series: can't get you out of my head [4]
Category: Block B
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 20:46:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9624674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nommonkeypie/pseuds/nommonkeypie
Summary: “I’m just saying, if you really are screwing around with a guy who has other commitments, you’re the one who is going to end up getting hurt. And don’t come to me looking for pity when that happens. If you’re smart, you’ll get out of this now before anything can happen.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> Because the story isn't done just yet...and idoltv makes me want to cry.

Jaehyo woke up to the sound of vomiting. He shifted, wincing both from the pounding in his head and the soreness he felt thanks to last night. It all felt like some surreal dream. Only the sound of Jiho throwing up in the bathroom confirmed that it wasn’t. Well that and the sheer soreness Jaehyo was feeling.

He laid there, not wanting to move. It was hard to believe just how different it was to do that with another person. How much better that made it. He’d given himself plenty of handjobs before. He had a few dildos (buying them had been the most embarrassing thing ever and he was beyond glad for discreet packaging). None of that compared to the touch of another person.

Jiho wasn’t stopping. It sounded awful and Jaehyo knew the guy was probably feeling like hell right now. Apparently the soju from last night (a glance over at his desk now showed that both bottles were empty) wasn’t sitting well with the younger man. At least, that’s what Jaehyo chose to believe. The thought that Jiho might be regretting what had happened, might be feeling disgusted by it, was too terrible a thought to bear. Besides, he’d been too into it for that to be the case.

The sounds from the bathroom finally stopped. Jaehyo heard the faint sound of the toilet flushing multiple times. Laying in bed, Jaehyo watched and waited. He didn’t want to get up. All he wanted was to stay in bed, curled up under the covers and then lay there with Jiho when he was done in the bathroom. Except Jiho didn’t come out. Was he embarrassed? The thought made Jaehyo smile. That was cute. Jaehyo couldn’t even think of a reason why Jiho might be embarrassed. It wasn’t like Jiho had been the one to get fucked in the ass.

Okay, he could deal with that. Jaehyo winced as he slowly got out of his bed. He was more sore than normal but it was a nice sort of soreness. He could tell that moving around would help, that the more he moved, the more it would help ease the soreness in his muscles. Glancing around, he noticed clothes thrown everywhere. He couldn’t help but blush. Had they been in that much of a hurry? That reckless?

Jaehyo got dressed as quickly as he could. He decided he’d run down to the store and grab a few things to help Jiho feel better. It was a quick trip and moving helped. Jaehyo wasn’t sure he was up to a jog right now by walking around was helping. It was just enough to warm up some some of his sore, cold muscles. He wondered if a nice hot bath would help any.

He checked his phone and blushed.

_ So, you get laid? _

The message was so Taeil but still, did he have to put it so bluntly?

_ I owe you _

Jaehyo shoved his phone in his pocket as he reached the little convenience store near his apartment. It wasn’t anything fancy but it was cheap and had most of the things he wanted to grab.

The guy behind the counter didn’t even look up from his magazine. Jaehyo couldn’t help but feel relieved about that. He knew it was stupid but he felt like it showed on his face, that he’d had sex with another guy.

_ So that’s a yes. Who is it? Someone I know? _

Jaehyo wanted to die a little. He was fairly sure that was against store policy though so he rested the can of juice against his cheek, hoping it would help him cool down. It didn’t work nearly as well as he hoped.

He looked at the question on his phone again, not sure how to answer that. Long story short, yes but no. Jaehyo’s love of Block B wasn’t exactly a secret among his friends and Taeil knew about his...actually, what was this? It seemed obvious that he and Jiho liked each other. But after last night, this was more than a crush. Right?

_ I can’t say yet _

He knew it’d drive Taeil crazy but he couldn’t say yet. Jaehyo wasn’t sure if he could ever say who it was. This situation was complicated at best. He’d slept with Jiho. He had a crush on Jiho and things had gone way further last night than Jaehyo had ever thought they could. But Jiho had been receptive. Had pushed for it as much as Jaehyo had.

Dating? Jaehyo shook his head. That felt too presumptuous of him. They’d slept together once and hadn’t talked about anything at all. Besides, could Jiho even date? They were friends at best and Jiho was so well known and in the spotlight. And dating a guy...Jaehyo didn’t want to see the backlash of that.

Friends with benefits? Maybe. It was probably the most truthful. It didn’t seem unreasonable to think that they would continue having sex. Last night had gotten a bit out of hand and gone too fast, that was much was true. Still it could happen again, right? Especially since they’d already done it once.

_ Meet me in an hour. My place _

Jaehyo looked at the message and wondered if he’d be able to get out of that.

_ I don’t know if that’s a good idea _

After all, Jiho was still back at Jaehyo’s apartment. Just ditching him to go hang with Taeil...the idea didn’t sit right with him.

_ Do it or I come over to your place and check him out myself _

Shit. Taeil would do that too. He’d barge in and Jaehyo’s life would be over.

Jaehyo shoved his phone back into his pocket, heading to the checkout. The guy working seemed to want to be there even less than Jaehyo. It was a relief. He wasn’t really ready to deal with anyone face to face. Okay, Jiho was an obvious exception that but even then, the thought of talking to Jiho was a bit intimidating.

When Jaehyo got back, he noticed Jiho was still apparently in the bathroom. Poor guy. He really felt bad for him. Jaehyo hadn’t had a hangover that bad in a long time (not since his birthday a couple years ago when Taeil tried to kill him through alcohol poisoning) but he could sympathize. He shuffled over to the door, trying not to make too much noise.

He knocked softly on the door, more to get Jiho’s attention than anything else. “That bad?” Jaehyo looked at his clock and realized it was later than he thought. Apparently his short trip had taken longer than he’d imagined. “I have to run a few errands,” he said. It was a lie but it felt wrong to say that he was going to go hang out with another guy. It wasn’t cheating. They weren’t in a relationship, at least, nothing that they’d officially decided. Still, saying he was going to see Taeil just...it didn’t seem like a good idea.

“I left some painkillers and a couple of different things on the dresser. When you’re feeling better, take some?” Jaehyo wasn’t sure if Jiho would be there when he got back but he wanted to make it clear that he wasn’t kicking the guy out. Besides, apparently Jiho didn’t want to come out (or maybe couldn’t from how sick he’d sounded earlier) so maybe it’d be easier if Jaehyo weren’t here, if Jaehyo gave the guy a little space.

All he got in response were groans. Poor guy. At this rate, he really might still be in Jaehyo’s bathroom by the time Jaehyo returned.

\---

Jaehyo took a deep breath, steeling his nerves as best as he could. Taeil could be scary at the best of times and this was definitely not the best time. Not when Jaehyo wanted to curl up in bed with a naked Jiho. He still couldn’t believe that had really happened. He just wanted to trace the lines of the guy’s tattoos again, explore them in a way that he hadn’t really been able to last night.

“I’m out back,” Jaehyo said when Taeil picked up. He didn’t want to go inside, didn’t want to deal with an interrogation by the entire Lee family. Taeil’s family was nice and usually Jaehyo didn’t mind that they’d essentially adopted him as another son, especially with his own family so far away. Today was different.

Taeil walked out of the restaurant a few minutes later, drying his hands on his apron. From the looks of things, he’d probably been washing dishes. At least, that was Jaehyo’s guess from the wet apron.

“How’d you recover from that fuck up?”

Jaehyo stared at his friend. “Well nice to see you to,” he replied. Not even a hello? What a great friend. Taeil stared back.

Sighing, Jaehyo leaned against the side of the building. “I’m not sure,” he admitted. “He didn’t know about me and it just kind of came out. I told him to go and he came back.”

If he closed his eyes, Jaehyo could feel Jiho’s lips on his own. It was hard not to let himself linger on that moment.

“So you didn’t do anything and he made up for your fuck up.”

Leave it to Taeil to sum things up in such a crude manner. Still it was true. That’s what had happened. Jaehyo nodded. “Basically,” he agreed.

Taeil kept staring. Jaehyo had to fight not to squirm. Finally, he asked the question Jaehyo had been waiting for. “Who is it?”

How could Jaehyo answer that? Taeil knew who Zico was. The guy had come up in more than a few conversations thanks to Jaehyo’s crush on the guy. Jaehyo couldn’t help but feel a little proud that he had caught Taeil listening to the guy’s stuff a couple of times. He knew that Zico’s music wasn’t exactly the sort of thing Taeil listened to which made it all the better.

“It’s not the guy you keep trying to set me up with,” Jaehyo answered. “You’ve never met him before.”

He hoped that would make Taeil happy. From the gleam in his friend’s eye, it didn’t work. “Since when have you been seeing someone new?”

“Since it just kind of happened.” Jaehyo shrugged. “I’m not really sure how it all happened myself. It went by so fast.”

Not that fast was bad. There’d been a sense of urgency, of needing each other now. That was something Jaehyo had never felt with his ex-girlfriends before and it made him feel like he was doing the right thing, that he really was meant to be with men instead of women.

Taeil crossed his arms. “Did you sleep with him on the first date? Who are you and what did you do with Ahn Jaehyo?”

Jaehyo groaned. “It wasn’t the first date.” He could hear the almost lie in his own own voice. “It wasn’t,” he repeated. “We...we’d met once before and have been talking for a little while.”

“You slept with a stranger.”

Could the earth swallow him whole? Jaehyo wanted to die. “He’s not a stranger.”

He wasn’t. In fact, Jaehyo knew way too much about Jiho. “I promise you, he’s not a stranger. It’s just...the situation is a bit complicated...I can’t really say much though because it could get him in trouble.”

“You fucked a married guy.”

Okay, nevermind.  **NOW** the earth could swallow him. But actually after letting the statement sink in for a moment, it wasn’t a bad lie. And it had been Taeil’s own idea.

“Something like that,” Jaehyo admitted, not bothering to correct his friend. “That’s why I couldn’t let you in. He doesn’t want people to know.” Jaehyo could feel himself just digging himself deeper and deeper but he figured at this point, he might as well keep going.

“You realize that you’re the one getting screwed in the end, right?” Taeil appeared to be doing his best not to look like he was judging Jaehyo. He was only succeeding somewhat. “I don’t mean that literally either.” Taeil raised a hand. “And I don’t want to hear the details.”

Good. Jaehyo didn’t want to share them.

“I’m just saying, if you really are screwing around with a guy who has other commitments, you’re the one who is going to end up getting hurt. And don’t come to me looking for pity when that happens. If you’re smart, you’ll get out of this now before anything can happen.”

Taeil was right. The smart part of Jaehyo’s brain knew this. He just didn’t want to accept it. Besides, Taeil didn’t know Jiho. The guy was nice, far nicer and cuter and sweeter than he let the public see. Just the thought of Jiho was making Jaehyo smile. And Jiho liked him back. That had to count for something.

“You’ll just take me out and get me so drunk, I forget everything.”

Taeil thought about it for half a moment before nodding. “Yeah. Yeah I can do that.”

From inside the restaurant, Jaehyo could hear Taeil’s mother calling for him. The annoyed scowl on Taeil’s face said that he heard her too. “Work calls,” the guy said with a sigh. “Let me know when you breaks you and we can go drinking.”

Jaehyo couldn’t help it. He laughed and gave a little nod. “Fine, I’ll let you know when that day comes.” He didn’t see it happening any time soon.

\---

Jiho stared at himself in the mirror. Gripping the sides of the sink, he held on for dear life. He could feel himself shaking. He had nothing left in him. Anything that made him human was long gone, flushed down the toilet with the remains of last night’s soju and his decency.

What had he done?

The answer was simple. He knew what had happened. They’d drank. They’d kissed. He’d had sex with Jaehyo. Amazing sex too. At the moment it had seemed like the perfect decision, one that was perfectly logical. He’d wanted Jaehyo and Jaehyo had wanted him.

Looking back, Jiho could see how every interaction between them had been building towards that moment. It all started with that hug Jaehyo had asked for back at that fanmeet that Jiho could barely remember. The meeting at the wedding where he’d wished he’d gotten Jaehyo’s number. All of those pictures and the chatting (flirting, it was flirting as he could now see) back and forth.

Jaehyo was too nice. He was too good a person with a heart that was too open and loving. Jaehyo liked him. For some stupid reason, he liked Jiho. Jaeho was a fool for liking him. At the moment, Jiho just felt like a bastard. He’d taken advantage of the situation. Part of him desperately wanted to believe that wasn’t true. But he knew it was.

He liked Jaehyo. A lot. Ever since that night at the wedding when they’d first really and truly met. At the time, Jaehyo had been interesting. Handsome. Someone who Jiho had wanted to know. He should have left Jaehyo alone, never spoken to him. Kept the barriers between them up. But he hadn’t. He’d gone into this knowing Jaehyo was a fanboy.

He should have realized Jaehyo might have a crush on him. The guy had asked him for a hug. While that wasn’t the strangest request Jiho had received, it wasn’t exactly a common one he get from guys. And the way Jaehyo hadn’t wanted him to know about Jaehyo being gay...that should have been another sign that this had all been a bad idea.

If this was supposed to happen, Jaehyo wouldn’t have tried to push him away. Jiho wouldn’t have had to force his way back in. It would have been simple and easy and they wouldn’t have done something stupid like get drunk and sleep together so soon. This was only the second time they’d truly, properly spent any real time together and Jiho had fucked it up. He’d let his physical desire take over. And even though Jaehyo had been an equal participant, it didn’t feel like things were equal between them. Not when Jaehyo was a fan.

Not just any fan either but one who had had a crush on Jiho for a long time. A longer time than Jiho had even known of the guy’s existence. Even though they were friends, that didn’t just erase those feelings. They didn’t go away.

Jiho thought back to all the flirting they’d done in their messages, in the few times they’d been around each other. His stomach turned, threatening to send him back to the toilet. He’d only encouraged Jaehyo. He’d enjoyed the back and forth with the guy.

Jaehyo was nice too. He was too nice. At first Jiho had wondered if it was all an act but it wasn’t. He knew better now, knew that Jaehyo had truly meant everything he’d said. And that just made it worse.

Jiho splashed some water on his face. As if that could wipe away the guilt he felt. It couldn’t but then, Jiho doubted there was anything that would help him now. He wasn’t a good person. He had always tried to be one but sometimes it was just so hard, especially with how stressful his life was. But what he’d done last night was the worst thing.

How could Jaehyo like someone like him? Jaehyo deserved someone so much better than what Jiho could give. Than what Jiho could be.

This was so stupid of him too. He cared for Jaehyo but he couldn’t give him anything. Not a relationship. Jiho knew he’d make a shitty boyfriend, what with his schedules, his life as Zico, his fame, the fact that he was a guy. Any one of those would be an impossible challenge but all of them combined? He could have laughed at the impossibility of it except Jiho was sure that’d just cause him to throw up again.

The thought of how fucked up this was left him wanting to cry. Except he was the great Zico (as Jaehyo had once called him) and he couldn’t cry. Not over something like this. Besides, it was his own damn fault and he had to bear the weight of it.

He had to get out of the bathroom though. He couldn’t spend the rest of his life hiding in there.

Water, painkillers, and a couple different hangover cure drinks were sitting on the dresser, just like Jaehyo had said they’d be. The sight of them made Jiho feel even worse. Jaehyo really was too nice of a person for him. Especially since Jaehyo had been the one...Jiho wasn’t even sure he’d be able to walk had their positions been swapped. He’d never had a dick or anything else up his ass but that couldn’t be an easy position to have been in.

Jiho picked up his clothes from where they were scattered around the room. He couldn’t find one of his socks. He stared at the clothes, knowing he had no other options. He didn’t want to wear clothes he’d already worn. Especially his underwear. He wasn’t Kyung, who’d probably just laugh and do something ridiculous like turn the underwear inside out. Jiho fought a shuddered as he dressed in yesterday’s clothes.

Spotting his phone on the desk, Jiho wasn’t surprised to see he had entirely too many missed messages and an almost dead battery. Jiho skimmed over his messages, only responding to the one from Yukwon that asked if he was still alive. His phone was too dead and he felt too much like shit to respond to any of the others.

He wanted to go home. He wanted to curl up in his own bed and let himself feel miserable. He knew he deserved this hangover. It was his body’s way of punishing him for being a bastard. But he knew he couldn’t go home. There was work to be done and his studio was calling him.

Jiho looked at his phone again. He had 8% left. He wasn’t a good person. He knew this about himself. But he knew he couldn’t leave Jaehyo’s place without leaving some sort of message. He looked around again, noticing some blank paper in the printer. Jiho grabbed a sheet and wrote. He didn’t let himself stop and think, just wrote.

When he was done, he skimmed the piece of paper. It just made him feel like a shittier person.

He left the water, the painkillers, the little bottles of hangover medicine behind. He didn’t deserve them.

\---

The first thing Jaehyo noticed when he got back was that the door was locked. He put his ear to the door, trying to hear but he couldn’t. Was his door that good? It was possible. After all, none of the neighbors had come over to complain about last night and they hadn’t been exactly quiet.

It was dark inside. Quiet too. Something in his gut said Jiho wasn’t here. It was hard to say for certain though since the murky darkness mixed with the way the blankets were piled on his bed made it hard to tell if Jiho was curled up and asleep or not.

The door to the bathroom was open. Jaehyo peered in, certain that Jiho wasn’t in the room. He was right. However, he could smell the lingering traces of vomit. Jaehyo made a mental note to throw an air freshener or two in there until he could get around to cleaning the room.

His apartment wasn’t big so it only took a few steps to reach the bed. No Jiho. Jaehyo couldn’t help but feel a bit sad at that even though logically he knew that Jiho had a schedule, had things to do. He was a busy guy.

Jaehyo looked over at the desk, noting the empty bottles of soju and their glasses. He’d have to clean those up but that could wait for later. He sank into his desk chair, trying not to wince as he did so. Sitting was fine but it was the getting up and down from the position that sucked.

It was then that he noticed the sheet of paper on his keyboard. Figuring it was nothing, Jaehyo read. 

-

_ Hyung, _

_ Last night was a mistake. _

_ It shouldn’t have happened. You’re an amazing person. A great one. But I can’t do that again. I’m not good for you. Besides, you like me but I don’t like you. Not like that. So it’s better if we don’t meet again. _

_ If you were smart, you’d just forget about me and let me forget about you. _

_ Jiho _


End file.
